You're listening to the mellow sounds
of KCUP, the k-cup,
69 on your radio dial.
♪ Attack of the killer tomatoes ♪
♪ attack of the killer tomatoes ♪
♪ they'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you ♪
♪ chew you up for brunch
♪ and finish you off for dinner or lunch ♪
♪ they're marching down the halls ♪
♪ they're crawling up the walls ♪
♪ they're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy ♪
♪ rotten to the core
♪ they're standing outside your door ♪
♪ remember Herbert Farbage ♪
♪ while taking out his garbage ♪
♪ he turned around, and he did see ♪
♪ tomatoes hiding in his tree
♪ now he's just a memory
♪ I know I'm going to miss her ♪
♪ a tomato ate my sister
♪ sacramento fell today
♪ they're marching into San Jose ♪
♪ tomatoes are on their way
♪ the mayor is on vacation
♪ the governor's fled the nation ♪
♪ the police have gone on strike today ♪
♪ the national guard has run away ♪
♪ tomatoes will have their day ♪
♪ attack of the killer tomatoes ♪
♪ they'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you ♪
♪ chew you up for brunch
♪ and finish you off for dinner or lunch, munch, munch ♪
♪ dinner or lunch, munch, munch ♪
♪ dinner or lunch
One Adam 12. See the woman?
Houston, we have a problem up here.
It's half past the hour,
and now time for the news with Michael St. James.
What do you make of it?
I don't know, Joe.
No weapons, no motive, no clothes.
All we've got to go on is this bloody corpse.
- Well, look again, Harry. - Huh?
Not blood...
Due in a large part to a major surplus of tomatoes.
Tomato juice.
The tomato crop continues to grow at an unprecedented rate.
Within the last 12 hours, we have received
a number of unconfirmed reports from throughout the nation
that may or may not be connected to this strange phenomenon.
Sure doesn't taste like tomato juice.
- Look at the giant tomato, Martha.
I didn't knew they grew 'em so big, Jess.
I wonder where he's going.
He got little Timmy.
Poor Timmy.
He ate him all up.
The tomatoes are coming! Sheriff, they're coming!
My god, did you see that? A tomato...
You didn't see anything. You didn't hear anything.
- The pilot's still in there. - Forget about the pilot.
- Come over here! - We can't leave him.
It's just too incredible! A kamikaze tomato!
- Tomatoes can't fly! - Yeah?
They can't eat people either, but they're doing one heck of an impression.
Jim, talk to that sheriff and find out what's going on.
Get over here!
How bad is it?
Well, sir, I definitely don't think it'll fly again.
I'm not talking about that, you Weiner!
What about the tomatoes.
We found two more bodies at the main road,
but we pushed the tomatoes back to the north end.
I don't think any managed to bust loose.
They better not have. I want this thing contained!
- I understand, but nothing seems to stop them.
We tried chemicals, bugs, bullets. Nothing seems to work.
Look, the president wants a complete investigation.
We can't let this out. People would...
Panic, that's what.
And you know whose ass is on the line?
Yours, mine, and the entire AG department.
- Look out!
What if the president wants an investigation?
He'll get his investigation, but we'll keep it quiet.
I've arranged for the most obscure generals,
the most obscure scientists, and to head the investigation,
this man.
- I don't recognize him. - Nobody does.
His name is Mason Dixon.
He hasn't worked since the bay of pigs.
- Is there any sign of a problem elsewhere? - Not yet.
I've ordered the entire G.D.P. Program shut down.
Wait a minute.
Isn't that Jim Richardson, the press secretary?
- What's he doing here?
- The president's got him keeping an eye on the investigation.
- Why him? - He's got a vegetable garden, that's why.
With peas and carrots and squash and tomatoes.
That sheriff tells me
there were reports of incidents like this all over the county.
Oh, bullshit. One nut spots a flying saucer, and pretty soon
everybody's shaking hands with little green men.
God, who would've thought.
All we wanted was a bigger, healthier tomato.
Look out! Here it comes again!
Where did you get this one, general?
Oh, I won that one in a three-legged sack race
- last armed forces day picnic.
What's the matter with general number two?
Oh, he was out all night on maneuvers. Let him rest.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, gentlemen.
Would you follow me, please?
Certainly.
Oh, general, would you wake up, please?
I apologize for the size of this room, gentlemen.
It's all I could do on such short notice.
Now, are we all here?
Where's Jim Richardson?
- The press secretary? - Yes.
Perhaps we can give him a few more minutes.
General, I've been meaning to ask you,
have you heard anything about the nuclear strike force
tactical training command meeting?
- You mean operation nichefict? - That's right.
Not really. I've been following the personnel proficiency planning
for Pago-Pago paratroop platoon patrols.
Oh, operation ppppp.
- What's the poop on ppppp? - Moving well.
Did somebody mention misfits?
- No. Ppppp. - Ah.
Well, then, nichefict must be pretty well wrapped up.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?
Now that we're all here,
I'd like to turn the meeting over to Dr. Morrison.
- Doctor? - Thank you, captain.
- "Major." - Pardon me?
Never mind.
Well, as I'm sure you're well aware,
this tomato problem has caused considerable concern
within the scientific community.
Scientists throughout the nation have
directed their attention to this
very vexing problem
with only limited success.
However,
with the help of Dr. Fuji Nokitofa,
we believe we've made a breakthrough.
Gentlemen, may I present Dr. Nokitofa.
How do you do, doctor?
Very well, thank you.
Dr. nokitofa, would you please explain
the project to the gentlemen?
Gentlemen, what we have developed is, in essence,
a half-man, half-robot,
a very sophisticated combination
of human intelligence and superhuman powers
which we are confident will result in the ultimate
destruction of the enemy.
Thank you, Dr. Nokitofa.
Are there any comments, gentlemen?
Mr. black?
As head of the federal intelligence agency,
I certainly don't mean to question the background
of these fine gentlemen,
but frankly, I don't think the answer to this problem
lies in trinkets and gadgets.
This is man versus vegetable.
Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags.
He means "fruits."
Ah. Fruits.
You see what I mean?
Mr. Dixon, I've been authorized to assign you four of my best agents.
Gentlemen, with your permission, I'd like to...
introduce Mr. Dixon to his operatives.
That's fine, Mr. platt.
In the meantime, the rest of us will accompany the doctors
down to view a demonstration of the latest anti-tomato project.
We'll be going outside, Mr. Dixon.
You'd better bring your coat.
There's a little jap in the air.
He means "nip."
♪ Wash, wash, wash. Scrub, scrub, scrub. ♪
♪ Can you get my back? ♪
Oh, my eyes! Oh, my eyes!
Water! Water!
Actually, gentlemen, this project entails
the development of limbs with superhuman powers.
Unfortunately,
budget limitations have restricted our development to only
one of these technologically advanced legs.
Okay, Bruce, now let's try running first.
Uh, that'll be fine, Bruce.
Bruce,
please jump for us.
Despite some minor recruitment difficulties
caused by our recent P.R. Problem,
I believe you'll find that your unit
will meet the highest of standards.
Pynchon.
Your men, Dixon.
Sam Smith, disguise expert.
Gretta attenbaum, swimming expert.
Gretta defected to us after the last Olympics.
We feel she's gonna be quite an addition to the department.
Greg colburn, underwater expert.
The fourth member of your unit, Lt. Finletter,
is winding up his current mission.
He'll contact you at these coordinates.
Expect him at "10-100" hours.
Good luck, Dixon.
Can you, like, believe how he waffles on every issue?
Oh, right on.
We'll never have another president as bad as this one.
What is it? Over there!
No! No!
Mr. Daniels, i realize that in the past,
there have been some questions raised
regarding the president's use of public funds
for what some may consider personal items.
However, I can say without fear of contradiction
that under no circumstances and at no time
has the current administration expended
any public monies whatsoever
for the purchase of the fluffy flower- print toilet paper.
Now, if there are no further questions...
Thank you, Mr. press secretary.
Mr. secretary! Mr. secretary!
Just a moment, gentlemen.
One more question. The little fellow in the rear.
Bobby jenks, sir, P.S. 149.
I have a question, sir.
Certainly, young man. What would you like to know?
We've heard nothing at all about the growing tomato menace.
I...
Uh...
Wouldn't exactly call it a menace, young man.
There have been some isolated reports
alleged incidents involving some unusual activity
associated with this, uh,
particular vegetable,
but I assure you that, uh,
this is not and never will become a menace.
However, the president, leaving no stone unturned, has...
called upon our most noted congressional leaders in this field
to begin a thorough, intensive, painstaking,
and exhaustive investigation
into the backgrounds and origins of this...
interesting quirk of nature.
Furthermore, you can assure all of your young readers that
this will never become a problem that Americans need fear.
This, uh, meeting of the senate investigating committee's
called to order.
Anybody remember what we're supposed to be investigating?
- The tomatoes, Wayne. - What was it?
We're investigating those tomatoes.
Oh, yes, yes. Yes, of course. Yes.
Well, there's one for you,
one for you,
one here for me,
one for you.
There's supposed to be one for everybody.
Wonder where it could be.
Good morning, city herald. May I help you?
Roberts!
- Sir? - Get me Goldstein.
- He's still in Beirut, sir. - Beirut?
Yes, he's fired, sir.
Oh. Yeah. Get me Johnson.
Sorry, sir. He's covering that trial in Texas.
Oh, cripes!
Okay, just get me anybody in the special assignment desk.
They're all on special assignment.
Goddamn it! Who the hell is here?
Well, uh, there's you, sir.
Thank you, Julius.
Wait a minute.
- There's Fairchild. - Who the hell is he?
"She." Sir.
Lois Fairchild, society section.
The new kid?
Society, huh?
Oh, what the hell. Send her in.
Now, damn it!
Hey, look. It's a funky little tomato.
- Where are we going? - Take the old mission road.
Some crazy-ass biker has got himself munched on by a herd of tomatoes.
- So what can we do? - We can keep it quiet, that's what.
Didn't you hear the police radio?
It's solid tomatoes between here and Holtville.
We're liable to get killed!
Will you can it, you little pud-puller?
If John q. Public finds out what's really going down,
we're both as good as dead.
Fairchild, sir.
- Hmm? - Fairchild.
You sent for me?
Oh. Yeah, yeah. Have a seat.
Fairchild, I've been keeping my eye on you.
You've got a good sense of organization.
Thank you, sir.
Fluid style.
- Thank you, sir. - Sharp mind.
Thank you, sir.
- A nice ass. - Thank...
I'm about to give you a challenge,
your first big assignment,
and I expect you to use
every attribute at your disposal.
I'm sure that what you lack in experience
you'll more than make up for in...
Determination.
Now,
this will give you the necessary background
to handle the assignment.
Go to it.
Right away, sir.
Uh, one more thing, Fairchild:
I'm certain the government will go to unbelievable lengths
to ensure the secrecy of this thing.
Good luck.
Help! Help!
Do you read me? Do you read me?
Go away! Go away!
- Do you read me? Do you read me? - Are you happy now?
You kept it so goddamned secret, nobody knows where the hell we are!
- Do you read? Do you read? - Help me! S.O.S.!
Give me that, for Christ sake!
You can't tell me to shut up! I quit!
What? You can't quit! The department...
Screw the department! I'm gonna die!
You conceited little S.O.B., I'm gonna die too!
- Good! Good! Good, good, good...
Not good, Mr. president. Not good at all.
Frankly, I was not overly impressed
with the level of competency displayed by the scientific team.
I haven't seen Dixon's special forces unit yet,
but if it's anything like what I've seen so far,
I'd say we're in for a bit of trouble.
I know what you mean, Jim. I know what you mean.
It's like trying to stack bibles
on whipped cream.
- Yes, sir. - Jim, an unusual problem
calls for an ingenious solution.
I think I've got one.
Jim, have you ever heard of mindmaker?
Certainly, sir.
The advertising agency you used in your campaign.
That's right.
You know, they said I'd never get reelected,
especially after it got out that I used the Statue of Liberty
as collateral on that arab loan.
- Yes, sir. - But...
I'm sitting here now,
and I owe it all to mindmaker.
Incidentally, Jim,
you were in the mideast last summer.
Tell me, how does the old girl look in the dead sea?
- Just grand, sir. - Good.
I tell you, Jim, if those fellows could elect me,
- they can do anything. - Yes, sir.
Jim, I want you to fly to New York immediately.
I want you to see Ted Swann.
Believe me, the man's a genius.
I'm on my way, sir.
Yes, Sir. That's the whole story.
Say, would you want to buy a used crib?
I don't think so, but I appreciate this information.
This could be especially helpful in...
Fairchild, from the times.
What's this deal about tomatoes?
Look, buddy, don't try and stonewall me.
- Hi there, Lois. - Oh. Hi, Clark.
- What are you doing here? - Uh, no comment.
And who's he?
No comment.
How serious is this situation?
No comment.
- The American public has a right to know. - Up, up, and away!
You can't ignore the press.
Dixon!
Hey, guys, here's the song everybody's been asking for:
Ronny Desmond's "puberty love."
♪ puberty, puberty love ♪
Oh, wow, what is that?
Oh, no! Don't tell me that's the song.
Please, oh! Turn it off!
Oh, it's torture on the ears! I can't stand that noise!
Quiet! I want to hear the news.
And today, the president closed the nation's
last remaining sub base at groton, Connecticut.
When asked why he had made the startling decision,
the president responded:
"those funny little black ships just keep sinking anyway."
And in other news today, in Newark, New Jersey,
a man was eaten by a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.
You're free!
Geronimo!
Hmm.
So you're finletter, huh?
I'm Mason Dixon, and this is...
My god! It's Adolf Hitler!
This is Sam Smith.
He's our undercover expert.
He's only disguised as Adolf Hitler.
Guten morgen, herr Hitler.
- Autobahn. - Sprechen ze deutche?
Weiner schnitzel.
Get in the backseat!
What about me, Mr. Dixon? What about me?
You...
You go disguise yourself as a tomato
and infiltrate their camp.
Yes. Thank you.
- Hi. - Mr. Richardson to see Mr. Swann.
Yes, sir. He's expecting you.
I'll let him know you're here.
Please have a seat.
Mr. Swann?
Mr. Richardson is here to see you.
He'll be right with you.
Jimbo, buddy! How are ya? How you doin'?
- Fine. I, uh... - Super, super.
Hey, the president tells me you have a situation, Jimbo.
Well, let me clue you: You boys have come to the right place.
Let me give you a peek at mindmaker in action.
First, we have to convince the little housewife out there
that the tomato which ate the family pet
is not dangerous, no problem.
Then we have to convince local authorities
that the thousands missing from rural communities
were merely stranded during their
bicentennial pilgrimage to Philadelphia.
No problem.
Third, the president wants us to do this in such a way
that it can be covered up, and no one will know it ever happened.
That's no problem.
But then he wants us to do this
and convince 200 million Americans
that this disaster is actually a blessing.
Now, that's a challenge.
I understand what you're saying, Mr. Swann.
The president is a very demanding person.
Sometimes he expects the impossible.
But I don't... I never said "impossible," Richardson.
What I said was that it was a challenge.
Man was put on this earth to meet challenges, my boy.
You really think you can do it?
Can I do it? Can I do it?
♪ Some sell, some buy, and only we know why ♪
♪ the wrap is more important than the prize ♪
♪ important decisions are made each day ♪
♪ much too important for the plain folk to make ♪
♪ they're always in a bind ♪
♪ depend on us to help make up their mind ♪
♪ red box, blue box, a red box and a blue box ♪
♪ bright colors and a coupon on the side ♪
♪ hard sell or soft sell, it's all the same ♪
♪ millions of dollar bills are spent every day ♪
♪ where do they all go?
♪ Mindmaker's here to run the show ♪
♪ we sell cars and toys for girls and boys ♪
♪ and chairs and beds and shrunken heads ♪
♪ sugar beets and baseball cleats and ice to eskimos ♪
♪ leeks and mink and boats that sink ♪
♪ no matter what, we'll get it sold ♪
♪ we'll use catchy jingles, snappy tunes and pretty girls with big balloons ♪
♪ a little lie, a stretch of truth can turn the public's head ♪
♪ there's TV types and ad execs and everyone's the best ♪
♪ and yet
♪ they all look up
♪ to a single man
♪ and that one single man ♪
♪ is... me!
♪ They sell, they buy, and only I know why ♪
♪ the human mind is putty in my hands ♪
♪ important decisions are made each day ♪
♪ much more important for the plain folk to make ♪
♪ they're always in a bind ♪
♪ depend on me to help make up their mind ♪
♪ decision-wise
♪ policy-wise, demographically speaking ♪
♪ mindmaker!
Well, let's go meet that challenge, young man.
I've already put my staff to work,
so if you'd be good enough to stop by in the morning,
we can take a look-see at some of the preliminary sketches.
Roll it.
Then I can tell the president you'll accept the assignment.
You bet your booties.
Traffic cops all over the country meet this challenge day to day.
This man is like any other policeman anywhere in the country.
He works hard and takes pride in serving people.
Yes, he's a policeman just like any other,
except for one thing: He is blind.
This has been a public service announcement
produced for the national health foundation.
Sir, I really don't think this is a good place to camp.
We're not sleeping on the sidewalk.
Do you see that big building over there?
It's called a hotel.
You and I are going to sleep in the hotel.
No campfire, sir?
No campfire.
Well, then, what am I supposed to do with these marshmallows?
Here's the key to my room. I'm gonna check for messages.
- Be up in a minute. - Yes, sir.
Pardon me.
Do you have any messages for Mason Dixon in room 401?
Excuse me.
May I have the key to room 401?
I... I seem to have misplaced mine.
Thank you.
Pray-Tel records presents
21 great dead beats.
You get the best of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin,
Otis Redding, Buddy Holly, Jim Croce...
It's the evening news with Charles Collingsmith...
Turn that thing off, will ya?
Let's get some sleep.
Marshmallow?
Oh. I'm... I'm terribly sorry.
I-i mean, I thought this was my...
Really. You know.
What was that?
- A strumpet, sir. - A what?
A harlot. A trollop. A lady of the evening.
Go to sleep, finletter!
Hmm?
Wh-what?
Where?
I'll be right there.
- Breakfast, sir. - No time!
- But... your vitamins. - No time!
Now, listen. This is important.
You've got to go down and warn Gretta
that there's tomato activity in sector 2.
You got that? No matter what happens, you tell her.
- Yes, sir. - We interrupt this program
to bring you a special bulletin.
The following is an nbs hotline bulletin
with Douglas Keikler in New York.
NBS... the network that brings you
the news as it happens,
brings you these bulletins in times of emergency,
the news you need to know when you need to know it,
on NBS, the network of the news.
This NBS news hotline bulletin
is brought to you by Schritz Beer.
You're never too drunk to ask for Schritz.
And by Bright Gums, the toothpaste
for people without teeth or dentures.
And by...
What is it, Spot? What's in there?
Gosh, Billy, i don't know.
You stay there. I'll go look.
Spot? Spot?
- What are those red circles, sir? - Machine gun emplacements.
We've got the whole valley surrounded with them.
I don't think we can hold them very long, though.
And that green line, that's their furthest point of advance?
- That's right. - Uh-huh.
What are the blue dots?
Those are mobil stations.
Oh.
That must be major mills.
- Take over. - Yes, sir!
I'm glad you could make it, sir.
I think we've got something that will interest you.
So I've been told.
Dixon, I want you to see this.
Captain?
Yes, sir.
Sir,
we've captured a giant tomato.
I'm afraid, gentlemen, that what we have here before us...
isn't what we thought.
You don't mean...
This,
may god help us,
is a cherry tomato.
Mr. Dixon has ordered me to inform you
that there's tomato activity in your sector.
All right, who wants to be paper monitor?
I'm telling you, j.B., it's a great idea.
The first adult breakfast cereal:
Kinky crispies.
Comes in three delicious flavors...
Good afternoon, Mr. Swann.
I'll call you back, J.B. Bye.
Jimbo! How's it going?
I believe that's my question.
Right. Fun-NY!
Well, let me tell you, we've been going great bananas.
Sit down, make yourself comfortable.
I asked myself, "what do we need?
"Something original,
something that strikes at the very heart of the matter."
And here it is!
Mindmaker at its best!
Who can argue with that?
And there's more. Listen to this.
Giant tomatoes mean bigger pizzas!
- Rolling on 2. - ♪ if you're feeling sad and blue ♪
♪ tomatoes end it all for you ♪
last year, more people were killed
by automobile accidents, heart attacks,
lung cancer, and natural causes combined
than by any one tomato.
Pretty classy, huh?
With a capital "K."
Right. And Mr. secretary,
being a public relations man yourself,
you understand the value of symbols.
Well, we have spent a great deal of time and effort
and over a million dollars to create a symbol which will wage this battle,
an effort that will become known as
the "stop tomato program."
I see.
It all looks quite... Extraordinary.
Thank you.
- Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll be on my way.
Just a moment. One more thing
before you leave, Mr. secretary.
I'd really like you to see this.
It's something I've worked on for many years,
the culmination of years of effort:
The world's ultimate commercial.
Roll it.
Hi.
Jesus Christ for Technitron.
The nation is in chaos.
Can nothing stop this tomato onslaught?
Last night, tomatoes attacked Los Angeles...
Boston.
Seattle.
Chicago.
Even the mere mention of the word
is sufficient to induce panic.
Tomato.
More news at the hour.
Now back to the rocking sound of the boober on super 101.
All right! Man, that's really something, huh?
Hey, everybody, I'm gonna play something...
That's right, man.
It's number one in the charts this week...
The heavy sound of Ronny Desmond's "Puberty Love."
♪ Puberty
♪ puberty love
♪ there is nothing like puberty love ♪
While the federal agencies involved have declared
that the necessary information has not been forwarded
to state agencies for their respective review and approval,
we cannot ignore local pleas
for inter-governmental cooperation
in what is obviously an affair
best suited for international actions.
This is a question best left to people
for whom there is no spokesman greater
than those who speak...
And then I put my foot to the floor,
and I got out of there as fast as I could.
It was all very strange.
I... I just don't know what to think.
You made no unusual motions of any kind?
Not to my knowledge.
Odd.
Were there any loud noises or other extraneous activity
which might have affected the tomatoes' behavior, such as...
an airplane or another car in the vicinity?
I'm almost sure there wasn't.
If you'll excuse me, gentlemen,
I really have to be getting back to Washington.
That's fine. Give my regards to the president.
- I'll do that, captain. - It's "major."
Of course.
Priority-one message for Mr. Dixon, sir.
- A phone call for you. - Oh, thank you.
I'll need one of those for my records too.
I'll need one for my files.
And don't forget the major.
- Yeah? - Trouble, sir.
- Hello? - Trouble, sir.
What?
I haven't seen Dixon all day.
I've been following his assistant, but that's getting me nowhere.
- "Followed"? By who? - Following who?
- His assistant. - A spy.
- A spy? - That's right.
Well, what's he look like?
Medium height, medium build.
It's a "she," sir.
You know, the strumpet last night.
- The one with the big... - Guns and a sword...
- With long, blonde... - Parachute...
- Sunglasses... - Combat boots...
- And a dress. - Nothing suspicious about that.
- You can't be serious. - What shall I do?
Look, I thought I made it perfectly clear.
I don't think you've made use of all your potential,
if you know what I mean.
Look, you're obviously tired.
Why don't you go take a nap?
- You mean, go to bed? - I couldn't do that!
- Why not? You're a woman. - I resent that.
I didn't say that you were incompetent.
I just think you could use a rest.
Yes, sir. But I...
Well, I'll do my best, sir.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Operator?
Operator, I, uh...
I've gotten a wrong number. I'd like my dime back.
Hi, there.
- Hello. - Listen, about last night.
It was an accident. I really didn't mean...
It was a dark night. I mean,
the lights were off, and it got dark.
I mean, it was dark,
and it was light earlier.
You want to go to bed?
Uh, excuse me, ma'am?
- Uh... - I've got to go to bed.
I don't think you've made use of all your potential,
if you know what I mean.
All your potential. Potential. Potential. Potential.
I, uh...
I was right. I was right!
A spy!
Did you warn gretta?
Uh, yes, sir, but she was already dead.
It figures.
Attention. Attention.
The 56th combat support groupi
will depart at 0900 hours.
All 3rd division personnel report to the 5th division staging area.
All 5th division personnel report to
the 3rd division staging area.
Will the driver of tank 38421
please go to the parking lot?
Your lights are on.
Had a few setbacks during the night.
Serious?
Well, it depends on your point of view.
Did you have any relatives in Wyoming?
Say again?
"Arkansas"? Are you sure?
Arkansas.
What's the situation?
Prime intelligence tells us
that the tomatoes are amassing for a final
all-out attack on the nation.
Our top brass...
wants us to concentrate our forces here on the coast.
If we can hold them here, we can win.
If not...
Is there anything i can do, major?
Yes. The president wants your personal report.
Call him on the red line at 1100 hours.
Be back here tonight.
We'll need every man we can get.
Damn it, Dixon, this is war!
Very good, sir.
Sir, I...
I think somebody's shooting at you.
Where do you think...
So you can see, Mr. Dixon,
we have no choice but to make our stand out west.
And I want you to make sure
that our military people out there
in that region understand and are aware
of their enormous responsibility.
I'm sure they are, Mr. president.
By the way, have you seen Jim Richardson out there?
Just briefly. How's the ad campaign going?
Excellent. My mail's running
30 to 1 in favor of the tomatoes.
Terrific.
Oh, god, i almost forgot.
- Shirley? - Yes, sir?
I want you to get general Mitchell on the line.
Tell him to bomb New York City.
But, Mr. president,
the tomatoes are not even close to New York City.
Listen, you worry about your problems,
and I'll worry about mine.
Yes, sir.
- Is that the last pen? - Yes, sir.
Thank god.
Hey, will somebody please pass the ketchup?
As you were.
Order, arms.
The men look ready, major.
As ready as they'll ever be, Dixon.
You know, Dixon,
a man stops to think at a time like this
about his home,
his wife, his kids.
- You married, major? - No.
Me either.
I wonder what the tomatoes are thinking about right now.
♪ We stopped
♪ the Germans in '45
♪ then we crushed
- ♪ the viet cong - ♪ almost
♪ for a greater glory
♪ we could never strive ♪
♪ this crop uprising
♪ will not last long
♪ ain't no time to make a fuss ♪
♪ we got to get those tomatoes ♪
♪ before they get us
♪ we're gonna beat 'em, mash 'em, squish 'em, bash 'em in the street ♪
♪ we're gonna kick 'em, kick 'em, mush 'em, crush 'em with our feet ♪
♪ we're gonna meet them, munch them,
crunch them, gonna stomp 'em in place ♪
- yeah. - Yeah.
♪ T-o-m-a-t
♪ o-e-s tomatoes ♪
♪ we'll squish them, we'll mash them ♪
♪ we'll mush them we'll crush them ♪
♪ we stopped to negotiate at the first attack ♪
♪ we gave 'em Alabama but they gave it right back ♪
♪ tomatoes, tomatoes
♪ tomatoes
♪ they said we'd live together like sister and brother ♪
♪ but they captured a cannery and bottled my mother ♪
♪ now she's at the store and they'll soon be back for more ♪
♪ those tomatoes
♪ tomatoes
Across the length and breadth of the nation,
the tomatoes continue on their rampage
of wanton destruction,
burning,
Pillaging,
Raping.
Let's shoot it from over there, huh, bill?
Come on over here, lady.
Stand by over here for just a minute, huh?
Okay, don't go away.
We start with a tight shot, huh, Bill?
Tell me when you're ready.
Don't run off.
Across this great nation, almost everyone has been affected
in one way or another by this terrible tomato onslaught.
Mrs. Williams, I understand your husband is missing.
- Yes, he is. - Do you think he's dead?
- Well, I... - Will you miss him?
Will you marry again?
What if he's laying in a ditch somewhere
with both legs broken, calling your name?
Stop!
You will have to find another man, you know.
You're no spring chicken.
What are you going to do, Mrs. Williams?
Can you answer my quest...
Please look into the camera.
Get away from me!
Last night's crushing military defeat
may spell the end for humanity.
The shattered remnants of a once-proud civilization
lay scattered amongst crushed spirits and broken bodies.
Lawlessness is rampant, panic stalks the streets,
and personal grooming habits
have reached an all-time low.
I'll tell you now what's coming up...
It's the song that's sweeping the country, number one all over,
from the west coast to the east coast, every coast in between...
Yeah, that's right.
You've been asking for it, you've been waiting for it.
Here it is, boys and gals, it's Ronny Desmond's "Puberty Love"!
♪ Puberty puberty love ♪
♪ there is nothing like puberty love ♪
♪ it's so deep
♪ it's so cool
Get out of the car! Hurry up, move!
Hey!
- Sir? Sir? - What?
- Sir! Sir! - I'm driving!
There's something wrong with the car!
We'll get them, finletter!
- We can catch it, sir! - Don't worry!
Freeze!
Good afternoon, Mr. Dixon.
Had a pleasant nap?
Richardson. I'm not surprised.
Mr. Dixon,
I didn't really think you would be.
That's why you're here.
What do you intend to do with me?
Mr. Dixon, don't be so naive.
You are the only one with the knowledge that can stop me.
Don't be a fool, Richardson. You don't have a chance.
You know very well i do.
You know,
it's funny, Dixon.
No man sits closer to power
than the press secretary to the president of the United States.
And yet as close as it is,
that power is never really within your grasp.
It dangles before you,
taunting, daring,
mocking your very impotence.
I will not be mocked anymore!
I will no longer give
other people's answers to other people's questions.
The answers will be mine.
The questions will be mine.
Everything will be mine.
It'll be glorious, Dixon.
It's too bad you won't be around to see it.
What makes you think that you can
control these tomatoes better than anyone else?
Questions, questions.
You missed your calling.
Mr. Dixon, have you had lunch yet?
Here. Have a tomato.
Don't be afraid.
It's really quite small and quite harmless.
It's from my garden.
You might say that I'm...
In tune with my tomatoes.
At the proper time,
when all vestiges of authority have disappeared,
I shall charge in on my white stallion
and save the nation,
or what's left of it.
My fellow citizens will be eternally grateful.
At the very least, they'll surely choose
my benevolent leadership
over the obvious alternative.
It shall be my Golden moment.
But, Mr. Dixon,
I'm afraid these are your final moments.
You're awfully confident for a man who has failed twice.
Three times, but who's counting?
I don't think you can do it.
You know, Dixon, you may be right.
I've never killed a man before.
You may be right.
Who's there?
U.P.S. Package for you.
Come in.
Then again,
- you may be wrong. - Wait.
Before you pull that trigger,
tell me how you do it.
Really.
How melodramatic.
Very well. It's really quite simple.
You see, all I do is...
A real bad apple, sir.
It's a good thing we got him.
Finletter! Finletter!
We've got to round up everybody in the city. You got that?
And meet me in the stadium. There's no time to lose.
But, sir, everybody's left town.
The only people left will be crazy people.
I don't care! Just do it! Move!
Sir...
Then it's unanimously agreed
that the committee recommend
that no further action will be taken at this time.
I've got it!
Hey, guys, look! They're starting to come!
They're coming!
Turn on the record player!
Cover your ears! Everyone!
♪ Puberty, puberty love
♪ there's nothing like puberty love ♪
♪ it's so great, it's so cool ♪
Look! The tomatoes! It's working, it's working!
Charge!
I want to thank you for saving my life.
Just doing my job, lady.
Well, I guess there's nothing more to say.
Bye, Mr. Dixon.
Goodbye, miss Fairchild.
"Lois."
Lois.
Goodbye, Mr. Dixon.
"Mason."
Mason?
Lois?
Oh, Mason!
- Lois! - Mason!
- Lois! - Lois!
Mason!
♪ The first time i saw you ♪
♪ I hated your guts
♪ I felt your love
♪ for cigarette butts
♪ but now that I've touched you ♪
♪ I always will love you ♪
♪ my love for you will never dim ♪
♪ until all the fish can't swim ♪
♪ the first time i saw you ♪
♪ was such a thrill to me ♪
♪ I felt your nose
♪ tickle my knee
♪ our love will be classy ♪
♪ like Timmy and Lassie
♪ I know that you're ever mine ♪
♪ until the very end of time ♪
All right, you guys, they're gone now.